When I opened a new Open Office document this morning, I didn’t think I would almost double the daily word count today. I was afraid that as soon as I run out of the first ideas (I didn’t plan the whole plot, only how I would start) I would be doomed. But I’m not! There are new ones coming so I can see the next step of the journey. If it keeps coming like this, I will be happy.
Now I’m off to get some sleep and tomorrow morning relaxed and fresh I could start writing again.
This is the part, when I tell everyone, that I signed up for NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). Which is a writing challenge in November (every November) and writers, who are crazy OR good enough to enter (I count myself to the first group) have to write a Novel of 50000 words within 30 days.
And why am I declaring it? Because even though I really doubt that I can get anywhere near to 50k but what if I can? What if there’s a story within me as well? And what if the guilt and shame I would feel when I gave up after a week, will prevent me of giving up at all?
My goal is to make it through the 30 days, writing as much as I possibly can and if that doesn’t make the 50k mark, only 20k, then who cares, I did what I could, I’m going to be happy and proud, and I’m going to be a Winner, no matter what everyone else says. And there’s always going to be a next year, if I still feel like writing.
I killed it. My last excuse for not writing. Not writing my blog and not writing anything.
There is a hole growing inside me fed by guilt and by the urge that I should try it again. I should do what made me happy less than a year ago. Not like I’m not happy now. I am pretty much so; but I feel like I abandoned a part of me. Not intentionally – only to develop another part. Now I just have to find the balance, the golden middle way.
I miss to create, I miss to feel free, to feel that I have an insight into the worlds greatest mysteries.
And I have to discipline myself to write EVERY SINGLE DAY. Or at least every other day… or every week… OK just kidding!:)
So the journey continues…
I know I’m still pretty amateur at everything I do (writing, drawing etc.) and I know that it’s fine for now, still I feel like I’m stuck. It is not a coincidence that I didn’t really show up here or anywhere else. Okay, I was on my holiday for a week and of course I had a lot of things to do, a lot of people to meet so -I think it’s a good excuse- I didn’t write or draw anything. I took some pics though. (Our garden at home is magical!)
I’m trying to get back to my creativity and enthusiasm but the thing is I don’t know where to start. I want everything at the same time which means I’m not doing anything. So I’m making a schedule. Today at 3 PM I’m going to write something. (Not my novel though because I ended up not liking the story that I’d planned…not a big surprise I guess.) At about 5 PM I’ll switch to drawing. Or at least let’s hope that I’ll do so. Also I’m going to add a creative activity to every day in my calender and train my willpower to keep it.
In the meantime I should try and meet some friends whom I haven’t seen for ages but that takes time. I really don’t feel like spending every evening alone though, especially now that I’m back from home and I feel a bit lonely. Which I know will pass soon as it always does. So let’s rearrange my life!
A few months ago I bought a book that taught me a lot of things. My life has literally changed since then. I changed. I can look at problems from different angles, I became somewhat braver and I’m not afraid to start learning photography or drawing (my newest “craziness”). I’m not afraid to think that what I do, might be good or will be good eventually. I believe that I can be creative and I have the right to be and I’m not less than others.
I started to plan my first ever novel (mostly to challenge myself). I have the characters and I developed the storyline which by the end transformed into a psycho-thriller which genre I never read and probably never would. (And the golden rule is: write what you read the most.)
I decided to write it in Hungarian even though the names are in English. I thought that some day I might translate it but because of my poor English I’d better start it in my mother tongue. Yesterday I opened a new page in Open Office:
First line: CHAPTER ONE – instead of ELSŐ FEJEZET
Second line: Faye’s scream filled the room. – instead of: Faye sikolya töltötte meg a szobát.
With all the newly gained wisdom I have no idea what to do. I was considering to replan the story or I can just mess with the genre borders.
And the thing about the language.. if it comes in English, what can I do? I wanted a challenge, didn’t I?